12 Days Of Christmas . . .
December 14, 1997
Dearest Bob, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised!!!!
With deepest affection, Violet
December 15, 1997
Dearest Bob, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable!!!
My Everlasting Love Violet
Dec. 16, 1997
My Dear Bob, OH! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French Hens!!! They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too, too kind.
All My Love Violet
Dec. 17, 1997
Dear Bob, Today the Postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.
Dec. 18, 1997
Dear Bob, What a marvelous surprise!!! Today the postman delivered five gold rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell the truth, all these lovely birds can really squawk and are getting on my nerves.
Dec. 19, 1997
BOB: Today the Postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again. Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through the racket. Now let this be the end of this!!!
Dec. 20, 1997
BOB: What the hell's with you and these fucking birds? Seven swans a swimming? What kind of freaking joke is this? There is bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't get a damn bit of sleep and I'm a nervous wreck. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.
Dec. 21, 1997
O.K. Pal, What the screaming hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking?? I think I prefer the damn birds. Those damn maids a milking had to bring their big ass cows. Now there's cow shit all over my lawn and bird shit all over the house. I can't even move my feet!!! Just leave me the fuck alone, smartass.
December 22, 1997
Listen Shithead, You sadistic bastard! I now have nine pipers piping in my front yard and they are standing knee deep in cow shit and all kinds of bird shit. This, after chasing those maids all night long!!!! Consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the
screeching birds. What am I going to do???? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!!!
Up yours, Vi
Dec. 23, 1997
You Dirty Rotten Prick, Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts Ladies. They've been doing those pipers all night long. Now the damn cows can't sleep and they've got fucking diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of zoning and the building inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause as to why this building should not be condemned.... I'm calling the Police.
I mean it Dick Head!!!!
Dec. 24, 1997
Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be witness to eleven Lords a Leaping on that many maids and ladies. They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn't the only witness, by the way. The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas special on pay TV. For the record, all "23" of the birds are dead....I'll get you!! I never want to see your fucking face again as long as I live!!!!!
Miss Violet Habersham
Dec. 25, 1997
LAW OFFICES OF GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Habersham. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habersham at the West County Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot
you on sight.
Thank you....... and to all a "Good Night.